The Truth About Cats And Dogs
In a way we have to agree.
If men and women truly wanted the same things in online dating and had the same approach towards achieving it the success rate of dating sites would be so much higher than it is now.
With one in five adults of the Western world between the ages of 25 and 34 having used an online dating site, surely we should all know loads of couples who have found their match on an online dating site.
Yet we don’t – we know a few, but certainly not as many as one would think looking at the facts and figures of all the different membership numbers of all the different dating sites.
What is it then that makes men and women such different online daters?
First, it’s the approach.
Guys often have a pretty clear idea of what kind of relationship they want – or don’t want – when they sign up.
It can be that they’re just looking for some fun, some flirting or a one-night-stand.
Or they know already that they want a serious relationship.
Perhaps they have already figured out that they want to get married.
They generally see it as a project – even if they’re in denial about their real reasons and say: oh, I just signed up to see what happens, what they really mean is: I know what I want to happen and I signed up to make it happen.
Women on the other hand approach the concept of online dating in a more vague way – and generally make up their mind about what they want only after they’ve started talking to someone.
And sometimes not even then.
Sometimes they decide after the first few dates.
Dealing with the dating differences
And this is where the first problem lies: when people enter a relationship with such different expectations and viewpoints, it can easily blow up in their face.
The easiest thing would be, of course, to ask that question as early on as possible: what is it that you really want out of this relationship?
But of course, it’s hard to be honest.
Men wouldn’t want to admit they’re only looking for some no-strings-attached fun and women are just as reluctant to say they’re longing to get married.
Or the other way round.
In any case, it pays to keep that in mind: even though we might expect the other person to have the same ideas and wishes about the relationship that we do, it doesn’t hurt to be careful in the beginning.
Don’t jump in head first, give it some time to see where and how things evolve.
It could save you from a lot of hurt and disappointment later on.
Earth shattering news part one: men like looks!
Secondly, men like looks, women like words.
It’s such a cliché that I am almost embarrassed to write it down but it’s true.
Men care about the way their date looks.
In the beginning it might be the only thing they really care about.
That doesn’t mean they’re shallow and pointless – it’s just the way nature built them.
In real life they still often choose intelligence, kindness and a good sense of humour over looks… but alas, online dating isn’t real life dating.
In a way it’s a fantasy while it’s still online.
However, the fantasy can shatter in a matter of hours if your date is beautiful but has absolutely nothing in common with you or if you have nothing to speak about.
Sure, not all men want to talk after all but you’d have to be unbelievably lucky to find a drop dead gorgeous girl on a dating site who’s just happy with some canoodling.
Again: that’s a fantasy. Doesn’t happen in real life.
Earth shattering news part two: women like charm!
Women in turn care for looks less if they like what the man says.
In a way it’s just as deceiving.
Anyone can sound sweet and kind, anyone can say the right words at the right time and make you feel special.
What a disappointment then if Prince Charming doesn’t turn out to be that charming in real life! There’s zero charisma, zero chemistry and it’s all out the window.
The main advice for both sexes would be to try and approach your love interest on a dating site as the complete package that they are.
I know it’s easier said than done but it really is the only way to approach online dating.
If you meet in a bar, things are much clearer.
You get the looks, the talk and (possibly) the intention all at the same time – but even then it’s not all cut and dried.
Not hard to imagine how much harder it would be with online dating.
Facts or Fiction?
Thirdly, like so often in real life men tend to be much more direct and driven to get to their goals while online dating.
Women, in turn want to feel appreciated.
Men are quite matter-of-fact: once they see the opportunity, they seize it, plunge in, ask the questions, set the date and the rest is up to the fate.
And Cupid.
Women don’t want it quite the same way.
In a sense they want to be “wined and dined”, in a metaphorical way.
They see someone, they send the wink. Then they want to email back and forth.
They want funny little messages. Maybe a phone conversation or two. They need some time before they warm up to the idea of meeting up.
However, by that time a lot of men have asked themselves: is she even interested? Am I wasting my time? And perhaps they’ve already moved on.
Women feel hurt: That b*****d! He was never interested in getting to know the real ME, he was just trying his luck.
Then they both move on to their next date and the same thing happens all over again.
Why?
Because their methods are different.
And in real life they know that. Online they often forget that it’s just as real, only behind the screen.
The truth about cats & dogs
So the next time this scenario happens to you, ask yourself: what would this situation be like if it was a girl/guy from my office/gym/university course.
How would I approach it – and more importantly, how would I expect him or her to approach it. It might keep a lot of unrealistic expectations at bay.
In the end it always pays to remember that each and every person is above all different.
It’s not just the differences between men and women that make dating – especially online dating – quite so difficult.
It’s the fact that we are all different as human beings and therefore we should always keep an open mind and willingness to meet the other person half way.
Jumping to conclusions has never helped anyone.
Only cats and dogs don’t know that yet – and look how well they get on!
About the Author
Aet Suvari has been reviewing and writing about the world of online dating since 2008 and the launch of Online Dating Help. A stickler for promoting ethical practices within the UK dating industry she champions the sites that get it right while highlighting those holding it back. You can follow her on Google+
Related Posts
Tips For Online Dating Over 40 (without having a breakdown) →
10 Ways To Waste Less Time On Dating Sites →
How to get the most out of searching on Match.com →
